drowning light

The sun has set into the ocean and already the night has begun to intrude upon the light. In the eastern parts of the sky the lavender clouds are turning to a dark slate grey. Across the sky and the water bright streaks of yellow and orange remain but they are beginning to fade.
I must let go. I know I must or I will certainly drown but I can not. I hold you, my arms outstretched and desperate even though the brightness is descending deeper.
The oranges and yellows have turned to crimson and night is spreading further across the sky. The blues have deepened and softened and as if to mock me, Venus has appeared just above the horizon.
Still I hold on. Barely keeping my face out of the water, my fingers beginning to slip, I begin to recite all the reasons why I should let go – why I must let go. I can taste the salty water and am not certain whether I am drinking the ocean or my tears.
Across the sky now a deepened blue, stars begin to appear one by one and a harvest moon begins to rise casting its glow upon the water. “Let go,’ it calls to me. ‘Let go and live.”
But I cannot hear, my ears are filled with water. Then I see your face. As you look towards me, I know that I would rather drown trying to hold onto you. I must have your love to live. Knowing that it draws me deeper into waters that will eventually drown me, yet I chose to drown rather then live in what would only be darkness to my heart.
I begin to breathe in water. I am now completely submerged. Across the black surface of the water there is a faint breeze and what others would see as light from the stars and the moon but we know it is the light of our love shimmering up to dance on the surface of the water.

sister and secrets - dec 13

Things unsaid, hovering just below the surface. Day after day we pass in the hall. We sit and play canasta, watch a bit of television, wait for the mail. We stumble through our lives together. There is so much to say but we don’t.
“Would you like some tea, dear?”
“How about some lunch?”
“I’m going to town. Care to join me?”
We both know things about ourselves and each other. We’ve known each other since childhood; kept each others secrets when we were little, hid secrets from each other when we were older. Truths hidden and threatening to appear at any moment.
“Need anything from the store?”
“I’m going out for a bit.”
Jealousies and heart aches. How could you? How could I? If we had but known that we would be spending the winding down time of our lives together would we have done those things?
Do you know, I wonder, that I knew you loved my husband? Did you know I saw him kiss you one Christmas eve? Did you know I went out with your boyfriend when you went away to college? That he said he liked kissing me better than you. Truths that should never be spoken. The air is thick with it.
“Seems like spring is here, finally.”
“We should plant some tomatoes again this year.”
Two old women, nothing left but each other and our secrets. Waiting for nothing, just spending our days until our days are spent, wondering if this is all that’s left. The unsaid and the ticking of the clock filling up our rooms and our lives. Laughing at things shared but they are so surrounded by the unsaid that the laughter is nervous.
Waiting for the clock to run out so we don’t have to watch our words anymore.

dec 12

Like a dream, the grey and fog have enshrouded the edges. Softening the trees and making everything appear in grey scale, only this single spot having color and life. We sit together drinking coffee. Watching the flickering lights on the Christmas tree, comfortable with each other. We talk of times past and what may someday be. Just the two of us, as if in a cocoon, insulated from everything and everyone. Knowing it can’t last but wanting to savor every moment. Not wanting to think about the time but it intrudes, whispering. We pretend we can not hear it.
“Do you remember when?” “What will happen when?” We laugh and relax into each other. Your hands warm from the coffee cup touch my skin. The fire is starting to fade and the rain has started to fall. Like the chalk pictures in Mary Poppins, the make believe is beginning to disappear. I cling desperately to every moment. You lean forward as if to leave but I lean into you and kiss you. Just one more minute.
Finally we give into the inevitable.
“When can we do this again?”
“Shhhh, look for me in the fog, you know its only a dream.”
“What if the dream never becomes reality?”
“Then we’ve had the dream.”
“I loved our time together.”
“Me too.” The log falls and we jump startled at the sound. The rain is falling harder.
“Promise you won’t cry when I go.” I smile but the smile doesn’t reach my eyes.
“I can not. I'm sorry.”
I look out the window. The fog has moved closer, the rain slower now, but steady. Our reality shrinking further, when I look back I find myself alone. I look on the coffee table there is only one cup, the christmas tree unlit, the fireplace cold. Could it have it have only been a dream? But I can still feel your fingers on my skin, your lips caressing mine; the reality or my imagination so hard to seperate in the twilight.

Fighting Monsters (first draft)

It had been almost three years to the day that Panya and the old man, Abiola, had been numbered among the few that had survived the attack of the monster that had come down from the mountains of the north and destroyed the village. Panya had been only 13 but she had sworn revenge on that day. Every day from that day to this one she had spent planning that revenge.
After the destruction Abiola took Panya under his wing. He watched over her, ensuring that she was safe and protected. He ensured that she was fed and sheltered. Most importantly, he was careful to try to teach her the ways of peace and happiness. They moved to another village where Abiola believed Panya would be able to move on from the past.
After the attack Panya had shared her desire for revenge against the monster. Instead of agreeing with her, Abiola would only shake his head and try to warn her.
“I will avenge my family and my village,” She declared
“Dear Panya, you must be very careful with this desire to fight the monster. It is very dangerous. You must leave vengeance to the Lord.” He talked of gentleness, honor and peace. She did not heed him. She thought the danger he spoke of was from the monster.
Of course she knew the monster was dangerous, but she was young and getting stronger every day. She had met Senwe an old warrior in the village who knew of the monster and everyday she would go and learn from him.
Senwe taught her many things. He drew a map of a way that led through the desert, over the foothills and into the craggy mountain to where the monster lived. She learned how to survive in these places because he taught her how the monster survived there. In her heart she felt her self becoming determined in her goal. She felt her heart and her backbone growing stronger. She was not afraid.
“Panya, what will you do on your sixteenth birthday?” asked Abiola one morning.
“I will set out to fight the monster,” She answered.
“Dearest Panya, please think of other things. It is very dangerous for you to fight the monster; terrible things can happen to you. Let vengeance be left for the Lord to attend to” Abiola warned again. But Panya would not hear him. The more she learned of the monster the more she knew she could destroy him. She had become more determined and less gentle but she knew that gentleness would not help her fight the monster.
Senwe continued to teach her about the monster. He taught her how to remain hidden from the monster. The monster could smell an enemy 10 miles away and had eyesight like the hawk. Most importantly he also taught her how to hide her true intentions for the monster could read a person well. He taught her to smile when she was sad, how to look peaceful when she was angry and how to look as if she meant to do good when she was ready to destroy.
One morning when Panya was getting dressed she noticed a green scale growing over her heart. What is this? She wondered to herself. She studied it for a few minutes but not understanding she quickly pulled her shirt on and went about her business.
That day as she wandered through the village she came upon a lovely young woman she had never seen before. The woman sang as she worked and around her legs little children played and laughed.
“Hello Panya,” She called. Panya was surprised for she did not know this woman. “I am a friend of Abiola. He has told me about you, how beautiful you are and how much he cherishes you. I am Yakini.” Panya stopped for a little while and met Yakini’s children and listened to the joy in her voice. She watched as Yakini seemed to be happy doing the simplest of chores and her children seemed to share that happiness.
“Will you join us for lunch?” Yakini invited.
“I cannot today but perhaps another day. Thank you for your kind invitation.” Panya said and she headed to Senwe’s house, smiling as she went. It had been so pleasant and peaceful with Yakini. Senwe was angry when she arrived.
“Where have you been?” He demanded to know. “Surely you understand that if you wish to fight the monster it must be all consuming you can not be dilly dallying along the road.”
Panya told Senwe of the green scale growing over her heart.
“That is good. It means that you are becoming more prepared to fight the monster, for what has been growing hidden in your heart is beginning to show through. But,” Senwe warned her, “do not tell anyone about the scale.” He did not tell her why and she felt very uneasy about the scale. But, she trusted Senwe so she obeyed him.
She began to feel a bit of a tug of war begin inside her after that day. When she would stop to talk to Yakini she would feel an urgency to leave and go to her lessons with Senwe, When she was with Senwe she longed for the joy she felt just being near Yakini.
The day drew near for her to go. She knew that she could fight the monster and destroy him. The green scales had spread across her chest. Senwe had told her this was to protect her. The morning before her 16th birthday Abiola watched her getting ready as she made her preparations to leave.
“Please do me one favor before you go, “Abiola said very quietly to Panya.
“Yes Abiola, I will do whatever you ask. You have been good and kind to me. I love you Abiola.” Panya said.
“Please go and have lunch with Yakini before you leave. Listen to what she would speak of and then consider all things. I fear greatly for you. I have told you of the danger of fighting monsters, but you will not listen to me. Please go and please, please listen to Yakini.”
“I will go and I will have lunch with Yakini. I will listen to what she has to say and then I will go and say goodbye to Senwe. Tomorrow I will go to fight the monster.” She kissed Abiola. She finished her packing
Later that afternoon she sat with Yakini and shared a meal. She was absorbed in her plans to leave but Yakini tried to share the truth with her.
“Panya,” Yakini began. “Panya, your name means a twin child. Not because you are a twin but because in your heart there have always been two children. The woman you may become is dependent upon the choices you are making. Abiola is a good man, his name means born in honor. He has always lived as an honorable man and he has tried to teach you rightly. Senwe has also been teaching you. But know this; Senwe’s name is dry grain stalk. In the end, if you choose to follow his teaching it will not lead to honor but rather to fruitlessness in your life.”
Panya was listening now but it all sounded like some sort of story that she could not believe. Perhaps it was merely a coincidence that the names of these men were what they were, or perhaps Yakini had made it all up to try to stop her.
“Panya please understand. You are headed down a wrong path. A wise man once said ‘Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.’ Beware my dear Panya, I fear that perhaps you have already started to turn into one.”
“I don’t know what you mean Yakini. Thank you so much for lunch. I hope I will see you when I return from fighting the monster.” Panya smiled as she got up to leave. “The story about the names was very interesting. By the way Yakini, what does your name mean?”
Yakini hugged Panya. Then bending close to her ear she whispered, “Truth.”
Early the next morning, even before the dawn, Panya slipped out of the home that she shared with Abiola and began her journey. As she spent many days crossing the desert the sun began to bake her skin. One morning she awoke to discover that her arms and legs now were covered with the scales much like the ones on her chest. The scales helped her to stay cool in the desert so she did not mind them so much.
After many days and nights where her only thoughts and conversations were with herself, and she was always thinking about fighting the monster, she came finally to the foothills. As she began to cross the foothills her legs began to lengthen and she was able to move more quickly so she welcomed the change. She was careful to remember the things that Senwe had taught her. She watched her trail, kept close to the path that he had directed her and stayed away from people.
Panya was excited she had made her way through two thirds of her journey; she had only to cross the great mountains of the north. There had been little danger and she smiled when she thought of Abiola’s warnings. Yes, she knew there would be danger but her travels so far had only made her stronger and more agile. Every night before she went to sleep she would feel that last hug from Yakini and remember that she whispered truth in her ear but every morning the only thing she thought of was to fight the monster.
As she began to travel through the mountains she had to use her arms more and more to pull herself up the great crags. She felt the sinew in her arms growing stronger. One morning she woke up to discover that she had grown great wings. Now she could travel even faster and before she knew what was happening she found herself at the entrance of the cave to the monster.
“Welcome friend,” came a voice from deep inside the cave.
“I am not your friend.” Panya replied. “I have come to fight you.”
“Don’t be silly. Why would we fight?” The voice asked and this time the voice was nearer.
“You are the monster. I have come to fight you.” Panya shouted angrily.
“Come here my child and look into the pool.” Panya looked about warily, took a few steps forward and looked down into a great dark pool. “See,” said the monster. “We are the same.” The monster stepped forward. He was covered in scales, he had long lean legs and beautiful wings.
Then Panya remembered all of Abiola’s warnings, and Yakini’s entreaty, and she knew then that Yakini had told her the truth.

daydreams - Dec 5

Its cold this morning. I tell myself as I’m getting in the shower that I need to remember to grab my gloves.
The water is hot. The room becomes steamy and I think of you. I wonder where you are and what you are doing right at this moment. I spend far too long dreaming of what might not ever happen and finally I rinse off. Its then I realize that there is no towel to be found in the bathroom. It would be so nice to have you here. I could call to you and you would bring my towel and wrap me in it and your love, covering me with kisses until you were wet as well. Sadly, you are not here.
The hall is neither steamy nor warm and now there is a puddle that runs from the shower to the linen closet. I am one giant goose bump and shivering. I run back to the bathroom almost slipping on the wet tile floor.
Half past already and I have only twenty minutes to get everything done. Hmmm, it looks like I’m going to be late no matter what. So instead of rushing I decide I may as well take my time, I get dressed and then go down the hall and start the coffee.
Back to the bathroom to put on my makeup and finish my hair. With the blow dryer going I imagine ocean breezes and think of us below the giant palm trees outside our room. I wonder if you think about our honeymoon and if you would prefer to go to the Pacific islands or the Caribbean islands.
I pour my coffee and imagine Sunday mornings, reading the paper with you. Will you want the funnies first or the sports section? Or will we read the comics together sitting together on the big chair dressed in our pajamas with our coffee cups side by side on the coffee table.
Glancing at the clock I see that I am already late. I give them a call and say something about car trouble but I’m on the way. In the car traffic is slow and I’ve not gone very far when I discover that I’ve forgotten my gloves, again. Will you remember these little details for me when you are mine? I smile, it will be so lovely to have you to “have and to hold” and suddenly I’m much warmer and not missing my gloves so much.
I park my car, and slip slide my way to the door. Take the elevator to the fourth floor and then I pass you and a colleague in the hall.
“Good morning,” I say, smiling broadly as I sail past you.
“Who was that?” I hear you ask your colleague.
“June Michaels, she works in purchasing.” I smile as the door closes behind me.

Dec 4

I slipped through a crack in the blinds. Sometimes it’s through a keyhole or a little chink in the wall but today there was a crank in the blinds and I could just make out the salmon and red of the new roses, a bit of green on the leaves and a ray of sunshine trying to break into the darkness of the room.
I couldn’t stand it any longer. Dark and dusty and demanding, there were bills on the desk that needed paying and laundry and the dishes needing to be done. I was overwhelmed with tasks and I wanted none of it. I wanted to be free of it all. I needed a break and when I looked up the sunshine was winking at me. As I drew nearer I saw the rose and its leaves and I couldn’t stand it any longer so out I slipped. Out of the house and into the crispness of the late autumn. It had been a fairly mild one at that and so most of the flowers were still blooming and the grass although starting to turn brown still had enough green in it to surprise you for December 4th.
There were birds everywhere. I hadn’t lived here long enough to know whether they were migrating in or migrating out but I imagined that they were probably not the birds from the summer.
The trees had dropped most of there leaves, which was actually kind of fun, since I could see the balls of mistletoe in so many of them it made me smile. I imagined young lovers walking through them holding hands and having to stop every few feet to kiss under the mistletoe.
I still felt tethered to the house and so I started walking further until the road turned to dirt. As I walked down that dirt road there was a bend and there behind some evergreens was a little stream. I headed up the stream bed and in the coolness of it I found shiny stones. Where the sun did manage to peak through it sent diamonds skittering across the water. My foot slipped and now my shoe was wet but of course that's what happens on an adventure. Mmmm, I breathed in the freshness of it all.
Then the phone rang and I was back in the kitchen with a sink now overflowing onto the tile floor. Next time before I escape I should probably turn off the water.

Dec 3

The big Teddy bear that sits in an upstairs window has a new hat on. It seems he’s planning on company this evening. His hat is a deep crimson red that goes with the plaid on his new vest. I’ve never seen him looking so dapper. His glass eyes are shining as bright as the brass buttons on his black velvet coat.
I’ve just come back from the nursery, the velveteen rabbit said she’d heard that indeed there’s a new bear in town. Rumor has it she’s cinnamon colored with the softest fur. She was at the opening of the Nutcracker. That is where Teddy was introduced to her. They had a rather short conversation when Bess invited her friend Miss Amelia Wilson to come and see our Christmas tree, and she’s bringing Cinnamina Bear with her. So they will be here this evening at half past seven. Tea will be served by dear little Bess and her friend is bringing cookies. All the animals can’t wait to meet her.
Teddy has been at various times excited, nervous, cross, and anxious but he is much better now that he has had a nap. Bess has been very good about putting her toys away. She has had a bath. She has bows in her hair to match her pretty plaid dress. Her dress is the very same plaid as Teddy’s vest.
Oh goodness I hear the bell! There are voices in the hall. Bess trying to be very ladylike did not run down the hall to meet her friend, but instead, walked with her head up straight even as she went down the stairs, until of course, she got to the last two steps and couldn’t contain herself any longer and jumped down. Laughing and hugging her friend. They giggled and squealed when they discovered that they were both wearing plaid dresses.
Teddy was very pleased to see Cinnamina blush just a bit when she saw that the plaid on her dress came very close to matching the plaid on his vest as well. Then the four of them went into the living room to sit around the Christmas tree and enjoy their tea.
I just love the holidays, don’t you?

Dec 1

“I’ll love you forever.” Mark promised. “You are my one true love.” Emma smiled, thrilled with his love. In his eyes she could see reflected the truth of his heart. Her vision was clear. Emma had never, ever been loved like this. Extravagantly, overwhelmingly, he bought her chocolates because she loved them. Books so she would share the stories with him. He laughed with her, gave his heart to her freely, willingly.
Mark was younger and she would often worry about their future. Would he look at her one day and see her as old? Would he find her undesirable when she was sixty and he was only 50? Emma watched him closely and when he asked her one afternoon if she would like to take a nap she became angry. He thinks I’m old already she thought. He tried to explain that he had only wanted to hold her but she wouldn't believe him, her vision becoming clouded by the fear in her heart.
“You are my heart, my space, my everything.” He declared. She was overjoyed that he would love her so. They spent hours together, whispering and laughing. He would pull her close, wanting to feel her body against him. He would kiss her and call her his beauty. He reveled in just being with her.
Mark was very handsome and when she looked in the mirror she saw all her flaws. Emma couldn’t understand why he would want her. She was certain he would want someone taller, thinner, and more beautiful. Emma was short, a little plump with a wrinkle here and there. She would watch him when they went out and anytime he looked at another woman her fear would grow.
“I will never leave you. I will always love you.” He whispered to her heart. But her heart did not hear and she became more certain than ever that he was planning his escape.
One lonely afternoon in the midst of despair and depression she left him not wanting to be left herself. Mark could not understand when she said that she knew he didn’t want her. He protested over and over but her fear had convinced her of the untruth. Emma wouldn’t discuss it with him and so he quietly withdrew hoping that she would change her mind, wanting her to be happy.
She was not happy. She was bitter and alone and in the end spent days upon days in misery in her room reading her favorite author. Jane Austen’s characters became her only friends. She missed him but was certain he had by now found another and was most certainly happy.
Time went by, long days and lonely nights for them both. In the end Mark moved on looking for happiness and a full life. Emma found a job in a little bookshop two towns over. She would spend her days there and her nights she spent alone with the cat in a little studio apartment overlooking the park she and Mark used to go to.
It was 10 years later when it happened. Emma was behind the counter and heard the bell jingle. Twin boys, about 7 years old came in first and headed to the children’s section where there was a Thomas the train set on display just begging to be played with. A young woman walked in and Mark with her. The woman followed the boys but he went off in another direction.
Emma watched him as he walked through the store. He hadn't changed much at all. She wondered if he would recognize her but she didn't say anything. She pretended to be busy putting out new books and headed towards the aisle he was on. She noted that he had pulled out a beautifully leather bound book. Curiously, he didn’t open it but simply ran his fingers over the cover. With a wistful half smile he turned the book on its side. Slowly almost lovingly he ran his thumb up the spine.
“Darling, we really need to get the boys some lunch,” The woman called from a couple of aisles over.
“Of course I’ll be right there.” Mark called back. He placed the book back on the shelf. She watched as he brought his finger to his lips and then touched the book one last time.
“Is there something I can help you with?” Emma asked.
“Oh no, thanks,” He said barely looking in her direction. “I was just leaving”
She watched him as walked out of the store with the woman and the children. Even before the bell stopped jingling she walked to where he stood. She began to cry as she pulled down the beautiful, leather bound volume of Emma by Jane Austin.