read the first line in a blog and had to write about it

The puppies had escaped and were running wildly about the kitchen. Two of them were playing a game of push me pull you with father's slipper. Three were playing scamper and chase between the kitchen chairs amd two were barking at Cat, who took little notice of them.

Mother came into the kitchen and tried to herd them back into the laundry room but alas she had shown them another way of escape and quicker than you could say Jack Robinson they were out and running through the living room. One had found the baby's stuffed elephant and was carrying it over his head by the trunk. The black one piddled right in front of father's chair.

Mother called for reinforcement's and in a tumble of hilarity the boys came in and chased the puppies here and there and more or less got them all back into the laundry except the little white pawed one that you knew was going to be trouble. She had hidden under the sofa and when she thought it was all clear came scampering out to claim the elephant for herself. Unfortunately Mother saw her and scooped her up, kissed her on her little head and sent her back in with the rest.

After Alice's Adventures

She studied the yellowed envelope in her hand. It had coffee stains on the front and when she turned it over there was a smudge in the left corner that could have perhaps been strawberry jam.
Scrawled in the center of the envelope


458
_17__
473

She opened the envelope to find a single sheet of onion skin paper. The double spaced message was typed on an old eletric typewriter which had double typed the e's.

Wee reegreet to inform you that your salamandeer is deead.

She stopped to consider this a moment and then continued to read.

Wee will assasinatee your peenguin at 2:00 on Tueesday if you do not drop your pockeet at the reed phonee booth on 7th and Park.

She glanced up at the clock and realized it was already noon. She grabbed her purse and ran out the door to catch the 12:15 trolley uptown.

Sadly she discovered that 7th and Park did not intersect and at that corner there was only a blue phone booth. She considered dropping her pocket there but then changed her mind. It was already 2:15 so it made little difference anyway.

She sighed when she realized how little sense this whole day had made and then suddenly it came to her, the sum of 458 and 17 was actually 475.

Then she woke with a start, looked around the room to get her bearings and thought perhaps she had been reading way too much Lewis Carroll.

affected by the past

a whisper,
a hope for tomorrow
for the promise of someday/

a sigh,
a regret, a tear
for today's things left undone.

eerily quiet
you roll over in your sleep
and i wonder.

will we wake from this suspended animation and get back to living fully again or can it still be winter in june?

danger on the rock

She was one of 7 children. Even bedtimes had been noisy. As she got older she attended a univeristy and immediately joined a very active very social sorority. After graduation she had landed a fabulous position with a multimillion dollar PR firm in Los Angeles. There had never been a moment of quiet in all her life.

It wasn't until she had reached the ripe old age of 25 that she realized the lack of silence in her life and began to seek it out. Of course never one to do things half way or in a mild form she set out on the hunt for quiet in extreme sports. She had attempted everything for skydiving to scuba diving and so many things in between it would take to long to enumerate them. But she had finally found what she was looking for in rockclimbing. She loved the thrill of it. Although she hadn't been quite sure at first.

One night after class she had had dinner with her rock climbing instructor who had sardonically referred to those who came and climbed the same paths week after week as the regular faithfuls. He had told her about solo climbing and she had been intrigued.

They had gone climbing together a few times after that so he could show her the different types. There was roped soloing which at least gave you a sense of security. There was deep water soloing. She loved the ocean breeze and the salted wet air as she scaled the cliffs over the water. Finally there was free soloing. This was what she had been looking for all along. The quiet intenseness she loved it and had begun to look for more and more challenging places to climb alone.

Which, of course, is how she had ended up here dangling 150 feet above nothing but rocks and dirt and holding on for dear life by three fingers. She had leapt to this location because she was certain of the hand hold but there was only the one and nothing more, and she really didn't see anyplace else to put her hands or feet. Approximately 20 feet above her protruded a ledge about 15-20 inches deep which at this point was blocking the top of the rock and the sun for that matter from view.

She readjusted and pressed her body closer to the rock trying to get a better hold with her fingers. She considered how much different her day would have been if she'd stuck with the regular faithfuls but no she'd had too much spunk not be drawn away by a desire for something of greater intensity.

She looked around and saw the possibility of another place a little further to her left. She stretched and reached and let go all at once. There was a sliding and for a half a second she longed for Tom Cruise's stunt double to come and take her place but then she reached her spot and settled in again.

She continued this way for about 20 minutes more making her way further and further until suddenly her only option was a ledge about 15 feet below her. She tried to study it from where she was at and she could see the opening of a small cave. This was mountain lion country and she wished she knew if she was going to be lunching with one shortly or not. When you scuba dive if you enter a cave and there's a lobster in it the way they hold their antennas will signal whether or not there is anything else in the cave. She was doubting that there would be a lobster here to help her out but it certainly would have been nice. She began to slide and drop to the ledge in what she attempted to be the quietest manner but of course everything echoed and reverberated around her. She was certain that even if there was a dead mountain lion in the cave she would have awakened him.

She waited hugging the wall and peering into the cave as best she could. She heard nothing, saw nothing but continued to wait. Barely breathing, she waited. She thought she had escapted danger when suddenly she realized that there was not one, or even two, but three pairs of eyes looking at her from the cave. They were low to the ground and she realized that she was in fact looking at an even greater danger than she had suspected. For staring at her from the depths of the cave was not the mountain lion herself, but rather her babies. Which meant that at any moment mama lion would be returning and would not appreciate an intruder.

Sigh. The caterpillar munched on another leaf and a tear ran down her face. It was just then that the ladybug landed on the clover the caterpillar was muching on.

"Hi Caterpillar," Ladybug said perkily. and then noticed that caterpllar was looking sad. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sooo fat," sniffed Caterpillar.

"No you're not."

"I am. I am fat," said caterpillar and took another bite of the clover leaf.

"Don't be sad," said Ladybug but Caterpillar had already started down the stalk and was walking away.

As she walked past a log Caterpillar heard giggling coming from somewhere up on the top of log. She looked up and could barely make out 4 young walking sticks. Their coloring was such that they blended in almost completely with the log.

"Hey Caterpillar where you headed," called out the one who seemed to be the leader of the group. "You really should get something to eat you'll want to make sure to keep those enormous proportions." and the other walking sticks cracked up.

"I hate those stupid stick girls," Caterpillar mumbled under her breath. She walked further up the path until she came to a patch of wild peas. "Mmmm my favorite."

She began to eat the wild pea leaves when Mother Squirrel came by. "Why so glum Caterpillar?" Mother Squirrel asked.

"I'm fat and I'm so ugly. I hate it. I hate who I am." Caterpillar said.

"Oh Caterpillar, dear, shhh don't be so sad. You're just the right size for what you are."

Nice, thought caterpillar "just the right size" for a fat caterpillar!

"And you need to give yourself time," said Mother Squirrel. "You're not done becoming." With that, she hustled away looking for her little squirrels.

"Just the right size for what I am .... what is that supposed to mean? I'm not done becoming what? a fatter caterpillar. Ugh!" Caterpillar continued eating in her misery the rest of the afternoon.

For the next several days caterpillar stayed sad. She ate and grumbled and ate and cried and ate and moped. Finally after almost a week she found herself in a patch of clover with Father Rabbit.

She liked Father Rabbit. She always had. He spoke quietly and never seemed impatient with her.

"Little Caterpillar why are you so sad? Why have you been crying?" He asked.

"I'm fat and ugly and I hate who I am." She said miserably.

"But just last week you were not like this," Father Rabbit observed. "What happened?"

Caterpillar sniffed. "I looked around and saw all the other creatures and they weren't as fat as I am. The walking sticks are thin and light on their feet. The ladybugs are bright and fly so quickly. And the butterflies ... oh the butterflies." she sighed. "I am just a blob. No wings, no pretty colors, and it seems all I can do is eat which just makes me fatter."

Father Rabbit smiled. "Your first mistake is judging what you are as compared to other creatures. And your second mistake," he paused. "Your second mistake is that you have forgotten that you are not done becoming."

"What does that mean?" She asked. "You are the second person to say that to me. That I am not done becoming. I don't understand. What am I becoming?"

The rabbit looked at the caterpillar for a long moment. "You will not believe me if I tell you." He said.

"Yes I will," she insisted.

He paused and then very quietly he said, "You are becoming a butterfly."

"A what?"

"A butterfly. I told you you wouldn't believe me. It is true however. So you must stop this moping about. Lift your head up and be excited knowing that you are still becoming." With that Papa Rabbit hopped away.

Caterpillar considered this conversation for a long time and then decided that she would quit her moping. Her natural cheerful disposition began to shine through and for the next several days she was content. She sang to herself as she ate the leaves. She played with her friends. The hokey pokey was her favorite game - you put your right foot right foot right foot in, you take your righ foot, right foot, right foot out, you put your right foot, right foot right foot in and you shake them all about. Life was good and she was happy and whenever she started to feel down in the dumps she would look up at the butterflies and remind herself that she was becoming.

She was drinking some water from a leaf that had changed colors and was lying near the old log early one morning when she heard snickering behind her. "Hey Caterpillar what's going on." It was the walking sticks.

She smiled nervously. "Ummm nothing. What's goin on with you?"

"So we've been noticing you've seemed happier lately. What's up with that?" The walking stick asked in a somewhat condescending tone.

"Well I ... ummm I've just been working on becoming."

"Working on becoming what?" and the other walking sticks snickered.

Caterpillar stood a little straighter. "I ...I ... I've been working on becoming a butterfly."

With that the walking sticks fell out in peals of laughter. "You ... a butterfly. Your ridiculous the only thing you're becoming is fatter."

"You can't become a butterfly ... oh my gosh ... stupid you don't even have wings"

"You are just pathetic... take a word of advice," one of the walking sticks said. "If you wnat to become even a little bit normal quit eating soo much and stop acting like such an idiot Then just maybe you can become like us." They continued laughing as they walked away and the poor caterpillar could hear them mocking her as they walked down the path.

"A butterfly ha ha ha."

"Who does she think she is? ... oh man ... a butterfly."

"Can you imagine what a gross butterfly she would make haha ha."

A couple of days later Mama rabbit stopped by Caterpillar's house. "Hello," she called and looked inside. She saw Caterpillar still in bed. "Why Caterpillar are you sick?" Caterpillar looked ill. Her face was all splotchy from crying and it was clear that she had not eaten in a couple of days.

Caterpillar burst into tears and crawled out to Mama Rabbit.

"Oh dear, Sweetie what is it?"

Caterpillar told her that Papa Rabbit had said she was becoming a butterfly but that couldn't be possible. Could it? And she told her about the walking sticks and that she had been trying to become like them and hadn't been eating. Taking big gulps of air between her sobs she continued. "I'll never be normal. I'll always be fat and ugly."

Mama Rabbit smiled gently at Caterpillar. "Caterpillar not eating will not ever make you like a stick girl. It will make you sick and sad. Caterpillars cannot be stick girls. But if you could choose would you chose to be a stick girl, brown, skinny and stuck on the ground or would you chose to be a a beautiful butterfly floating and flying from flower to flower?"

"A butterfly of course," Caterpillar said softly. "But I'm not becoming anything," she sighed. "Summer is almost over and I'm still like I am."

"Sometimes becoming takes a long time." Mama Rabbit said. "Sometimes other people don't know or understand. But just because they don't believe, and even if you yourself doubt that doesn't mean that you are not becoming. Becoming a butterfly takes longer than you think, it takes all summer and then a long sleep but one day you will see that you will have had no reason to be sad, because you will have finished your becoming and became a butterfly. Now dry your tears, no more of this come and eat."

Caterpillar dried her tears and crawled over to the clover patch. She spent the rest of the summer near the Rabbits home and when she got sad they would encourage her. Early in the fall she went into a deep sleep. It was bitter cold that winter and very windy. Mama Rabbit would check on Caterpillar's cocoon to be sure it was still there.

Finally the cold winter winds stopped. The snow and freezing rain went away and the spring breezes began to blow and the leaves and the flowers began to emerge.

"Mama, mama come quick." One of the little rabbits called.

Mama rabbit came to where little rabbit stood. There was a crack in the cocoon and a dark ugly looking bug began to emerge from it.

"Oh no," said the little rabbit. "That ugly bug must have eaten Caterpillar!"

"No," said Mama Rabbit. "Watch and see."

The bug struggled and struggled to make its way out of the cocoon. Finally after what seemed like forever it stood on the edge. A gentle breeze was blowing and the bug began to extend its wings. They began to dry into a silvery blue with two little orange spots at the tail.

"Oh my!" said the bug. "I have become. I have become a butterfly."

Laughing, Mama Rabbit replied. "Yes little caterpillar you have become."

The beautiful butterfly began to fly from one flower to another. She stretched and flitted in the breeze. And she smiled glad that she had not become a stick girl.

the first time

"I can't do this," she said.

"Yes you can," he replied. His voice steady and calm.

"No, I can't! I don't want to."

"Shhhh, yes you do. It was your idea." He reasoned with her.

"I've changed my mind." Her voice beginning to quiver a little. "I can't, I just can't."

"Sweetheart, if you really don't want to you don't have to. We'll take this one step at a time. Okay?" He rubbed her arm gently and nodded to reassure her.

"Okay." She said in a very quiet voice as she took a gulp of air. It was clear that tears were not very far away. "Its just because its my first time."

"I know honey. It will be great you'll see."

"But what if I can't..." her voice trailed off.

"You can, we'll just start slow ok? Trust me. I'm right here. I'm not going to let you get hurt I love you." He smiled down at her. "Ready?"

She nodded her head and held on tight. Slowly at first, then faster, and faster.

"Look at me! Don't let go."

He was right there beside her running and running and then she was doing it all by herself pedalling faster. He stayed close. The bike began to tilt and in an instant he was back beside her. Catching her before she fell.

"See, I knew you could do it." He smiled at her and kissed her forehead and tried to catch his breath.

"That was so cool! Let's do it again!" She giggled. "I told you I was big enough to ride a two wheeler!"

shadow love

In the brightness of
the night,
In the darkness of
the day,
I see you and hear you call my name.


I feel your closeness
when you are not here,
and your laughter fills
the silent room.

Alone I spend time with you,
sharing secrets,
telling stories,
laughing at your jokes.

When the day is bright and the room is loud and full of people,
You whisper to me and I slip away from the crowd
Knowing you are waiting for me
in the shadows.

the cat who isn't there

early in the morning as i let the dog out for the day,
i turn i feel a whoosh and there's flash of a tail
but all i really see is the cat who isn't there.

i can hear the mockingbird and the squirrel agitated and fussing
at something in the long tall grass,
but all there is to see is the cat who isn't there

sneaking up behind or running down the couch
i turn my head to find her
but all i see is the cat who isn't there

the grass quivers and the bushes shake
i look closely,
yet all i see is the cat who isn't there.

as the evening rolls in and the shadows lengthen
i think i catch a glimpse but can't be certain,
and i know it is the cat who isn't there.

i ready myself for bed, pull the covers up and roll over
and just as i'm falling asleep... i hear a purring,
and see the cat who isn't there.

as overheard in the garden

"It must be true," the squirrel told the caterpillar. "I heard the frog telling the grasshopper and I've never known the frog to lie."
"But where did the frog hear it?" The caterpillar asked.
"Well," said the squirrel, lowering his voice so as not to be heard by anyone else around. "If I'm not mistaken the frog heard it from the ladybug."
"Hmmmm," the caterpillar replied and scurried off on her stubby little legs.

"Is it true?" the caterpillar asked breathlessly as she rounded the corner of the azaeleas and practically ran over the ladybug. "Did you tell frog ..."
"Hush," said the ladybug. "No one is supposed to know. I only told the frog because he swore he wouldn't tell anyone else. Where did you hear it?"
"Squirrel told me. But I haven't told anyone else if that's what you're worried about. Is it true?"
"Well," said the ladybug. "The mocking bird told me. She always seems to have the most current information. She insisted it was true and that she'd heard it almost first hand as she heard the lizard behind the wall telling the rabbit. And the lizard said that he had heard it from the ant who'd heard it from the bumble bee."
"The bumble bee?" asked the caterpillar. "And how, pray tell did the bumble bee find out."
"I'm not certain," answered the ladybug. "You'll have to ask the bumble bee yourself. Last time I saw her she was in the daffodils"
"Well I want to know if its true so I guess that's what I'll have to do. Thanks for your help." But the ladybug had already flown off.

The caterpillar scurried across the garden. As she did she heard bits and pieces of conversations amongst all the creatures in the garden. Clearly this was no secret as everyone - EVERYONE - seemed to be talking about it.
Caterpillar did find the bumblebee in the daffodil's and it took a moment to get her attention. "Helllllooooo! Hellllooooo! I say can you hear me bumble bee?"
The bumblebee stopped what she was doing and buzzed over to the caterpillar. "Hello caterpillar. What can I do for you?" Bumblebee asked.
"Is it true? Its all over the garden you know? I just want to know. Is it true?" The caterpillar asked.
"It is true indeed. I heard it straight from the butterfly."
"The butterfly?"
"Oh yes!" said the bumblebee excitedly which just made it harder to hear because when she got excited the buzzing got so much louder. "The butterfly told me herself that she was minding her own business over by the honeysuckle, when the boy came to her and whispered that she must go to the girl and give her a kiss and tell the girl that the boy was truly in love with her."
"Oh my goodness." Caterpillar said hopping from one foot to another foot to another foot to another foot. "So it is really true."
"Yes. But the very best part," whispered the bumblebee, which of course could barely be heard over the buzzing and the caterpillar had to strain very hard to hear it. "The very best part, is that the girl loves the boy truly too."

expected

at 15 i expected that at 23 i'd have a degree, and have passed the bar ... a sporty car and quite a life in my very own apartment coming and going as a i pleased



the reality was a baby that cried alot, married with an older model cutlass supreme, military housing and not alot of cash



i expected that i would have three or four children and a pleasant life as a stay at home mom eventually going back to school living somewhere west in a beautiful home with family vacations with the kids.



the reality was was two children and lots of friends in the west texas town that we settled in. we bought a little home and raised chickens and rabbits and vacation were trips to visit the family.



i expected that we would stay there forever - eventually moving into a place with more space and much more land, living a fairly slow paced life as i tended to the house and the husband and the kids.



the reality was a move to california and three part time jobs and a lifestyle so hectic i barely knew which way forward and which was back.



i expected to stay in california for a couple of years and then move back to somewhere else quiet and peaceful.



the reality was 17 years in california and a life though quite busy included lots of friends a wonderful church and a job at a beautiful college campus.



i expected that once the kids were grown that gerry and i would take more time and go on vacations and do alot of the things we had put off when the kids were little. that we might perhaps downsize but that we would stay close to all our friends and our wonderful church.



the reality is that we have another baby in the house and its not expected that there will be alot of vacations and we are now moved away from so many of our friends and family back to texas in a beautiful house with some space and things are promising to be a bit quieter.



i expect that very few things will be as i expect them.

trying to write ....i begin

ok ... so i have always wanted to write but have found it difficult at best to write regularly ... only once when i was takeing a script writing class did i write consistently for any length of time ... over the years i've written children's stories .... counting stories ... fairytales.... i've written poetry ... and stopped and started several different times on what was going to be a novel ... so this blog will be my writing board.... the only way to write is to write ...

you may not find anything worth reading here ... but i will be putting my thoughts to paper ... or making things up as a i go ... commenting on the world around ....perhaps doing exercises from writing books that i may be reading ... there is a blog that i read that's called 12 old masters or something like that where she makes up dialog or part of a story from various paintings ... i like that so may work off of that idea once a week myself ... linking you to either the artwork or photo that i'm using ....

we'll see what happens....

today's writing ...

EVER?!?

I was hoping to be
someone else entirely.
Someone who was full of fun,
laughing, free, without a care,
Settled, without fear or angst.
Knowing that I'd gotten "there"
To a place of joy and peace,
not weary and dismayed.
BUT
Here I am
not "there" at all
and wondering ...
If I will be arriving "there"
EVER?!?